Requiem For Closure
Wednesday, Apr. 09, 2008, 21:15

Dear Diary,
I was reminded by a friend a few days ago of your existence, of the way that I have neglected you. There is no excuse for it really other than I have been socializing at a more public space the last couple of years. In a way I am glad that I was reminded of you because you have in a sense become a safe haven once again, since so few know of your whereabouts. No one that I know now remembers that I used to blog here, well almost no one.

Can I be honest? I have missed you. I have missed the feeling of relief that anonymous blogging affords me. The other place has become a popularity contest, blogging for the masses and some things.....personal things are not fit for the masses. So I turn to you, trusted secretive Diaryland.

I was looking for closure. I was hoping to put to rest feelings and desires that I have questioned for over three years now. Three years. October 16, 2004 seems like only yesterday. I remember details, I remember smells, I remember the warmth of the sun on my face. I remember this guy. Isn't that the root of most unresolved issues? Men.

The last time, nearly 16 years ago that I ventured into reliving old feelings with an ex boyfriend, reminded me quickly enough that some times fantasy is better than reality and that the past remains in the past.

I suppose this was the same outcome that I expected, hoped, wished to have when I saw him again. Deep down inside I hoped to see him, feel nothing and go home, knowing that the memories of our passion would remain just that, fond memories. No more desire to relive the passion, no more comparing other men to him, no more agonizing over my inability to tame the bachelor.

No such luck. I saw him and immediately wanted to feel his lips on mine. I recalled the warmth of his breath on my neck as he inhaled my scent. "Mmmm, you smell good." he would say. And he did, several times that night. The spark is still there, the passion still moves me and I still cannot resist his charms. I want to wrap myself around him and never move. I want to kiss him at whim and stare into his eyes when I wake in the morning.

The only difference between now and three years ago is that I can handle the disappointment now. I no longer dwell on not having him in my life. Now I can savor the memory of our time together and feel content with knowing that for a moment he was mine.

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"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."
Victor Hugo