Can't sleep
Saturday, May. 31, 2003, 05:30
Can't sleep..millions of thoughts are skating through my mind, although it is hard to put my finger on any one of them. They are more like snippets of thoughts...bits and pieces, partial sentences or flashes of musings. I sit in the dark, typing whatever comes to mind. There are no planned phrases or words of wisdom to spew forth. Usually when I write something I have SOMETHING to say, I mean I at least have an idea of where the rambling is going. Today, right now I do not. I simply cannot sleep.
I wonder where "J" is and what he is doing at this exact moment in time...is he thinking of me too, brushing his teeth or rushing around work trying to get the paperwork done?? I can't express enough what a huge relief it is to be wondering such mundane things. For years when I thought of my significant other (The Player), in the wee hours of the night , I was usally crying wondering where he was and who he was tearing the sheets up with. Or what bullshit story he was going to come up with...all along I would be giving myself the old pep talk......"No matter how good he looks, you can resist...don't fall for his shit....he doesn't care about you...be strong....you don't NEED him and you don't deserve this crap." Whooo Hooo!!!! I feel better now that all that is behind me, at least for the most part. Sometimes these snippets sneak in and I regress to my stupidness.....but not for long, I assure you. Thank goodness it no longer lasts long enough to make me actually pick up the phone and dial his number. Now it is more like....."I wonder what he's doing, or if he thinks of me too.....piece of shit!!!!!" And I come to my senses in a matter of minutes. Can't wait for the day when he never creeps into my mind (however that may never happen considering we have a child together.)In a way it is a blessing that he doesn't want to acknowledge her....that way he can't break her heart, like he did mine. Although, I still wrestle with the idea of telling her who her father is...she is 5 now and I fear that the longer I wait, the worse it will be. She knows him,after all...but as Mommy's (old) boyfriend, not as her father. (It really is an ugly situation and I am throughly embarrassed by my stupidity and selfishness)but that is another entry in itself.....I am actually getting alittle sleepy now...ZZZZZZZZ....maybe I can catch a few winks before the Princess wakes up from her beauty sleep.......ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
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