The Heart Of The Matter
Friday, Oct. 21, 2005, 22:42
What am I to do when my heart and my head can't get it together. Sometimes it seems like a war is going on between good and evil, fantasy and reality, light and darkness. Why is it that the heart can not comprehend common sense? Why is it that the head won't accept dreams as possibilities?
What am I to do when I love someone who is not the best choice for me right now? Loving the right person at the worst possible time can be a nightmare. Perhaps I love the wrong person and all this worrying is for nothing.
I miss him, sometimes so much that I feel like crying for days. Other times I feel like the best thing is to forget him and move on. He is no good to me the way that he is now. He has issues, he has flaws and he has self-destructive behavior that makes me insane with worry.
He drinks, he drinks a lot and I fear for his safety sometimes. He is no good to me like that. I don't want to be the woman who goes out and collects her drunk husband every night. I don't want to be someone who sits at home worrying if he will come home alive at the end of the evening.
I am not even sure that I am in love with him.
I feel more like I have lost my best friend. This is not the desperate "I can't live without him" feeling, its more like a "What if I never laugh again like I did when I was with him?" feeling.
My head knows that he is wrong for me. My heads reminds me every day that life would be a miserable struggle having to live with an alcoholic.
My heart, on the other hand wants to reach out to him and save him. My heart wants to love him unconditionally and help him beat this disease. My heart is breaking because my head is usually right about such things. This time, more than ever I wish that wasn't true.
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