UGH!!!!
Thursday, May. 29, 2003, 17:54
When will this end...will it EVER end????!!?? I was driving on Monday and I passed the "Player", more than likely going to his girlfriends house...and all this crap came flooding back.I want to call him, hear his voice, let him know that I am still on the planet, let him know that I am still here where he left me. Then the insecurities set in...what makes HER better than me, why does he love her and not me,why am I not good enough for him.....oh God I miss him so much!
So, this is what temporary insanity is.....about ten minutes after my mini breakdown, I sort of snapped out of it and had an "WTF were you thinking, you pathetic moron" moment. I am the lucky one here, I no longer have to worry about where he is and who he is with, I no longer cry at night because hedidn't show up when he promised to be here, I no longer cringe when the phone rings..wondering if it is some chick telling me that she's sleeping with him. And I no longer have to listen to his bullshit explanations that caused all that reasonable doubt in my mind. ( It is possible that his truck broke down and thats why he didn't show......Maybe this chick is trying to break us up by lying to me about his infidelity, it could happen, right??)Ex: 'She can't have me , so she's trying to cause trouble for us.Swear to God, nothing is going on.'
I keep expecting him to show up, after all, thats what he used to do...if we saw each other in passing during a break up or a hiatus...whatever you want to call it....he would come by to kiss and make up or to let me know that he "misses" me, and it would all begin again. I couldn't resist, he looked so good and smelled so great and that chest..that smile...those kisses.....OMIGOD...I would actually start to sweat when he was around........STOP IT DAMN IT!!!!I am out of that mess. He won't treat her any better than he treated me, he can't be faithful, he never has in his entire life,he is a player...plain and simple.
I mentioned to a friend how I was feeling and how badly I wanted to see him or talk to him and she put it all into perspective for me.......she said "You don't want to do that to "J", he doesn't deserve to be treated like that." And she is absolutely right...even though "J" and I are not serious enough to have had the 'Let's be exclusive' talk yet...he is a great guy with such a wonderful heart and adorable personality...and he adores me....he respects me and treats me with class and sincerity....I really could not ask for more, well maybe a magic potion to erase 7 years of memories.Any suggestions???
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