Rain, Rain Go Away.
Wednesday, Jun. 18, 2003, 19:31
I am so tired of rain. It seems like it has been raining forever. Only sparse sunshine for weeks, it doesn't even seem like Summer at all. I also think that I have that Seasonal Depression Disorder or whatever it is called. I have been so bummed lately. I want to sleep all the time, I don't feel like getting dressed most days.....I have a week off from work and nothing planned to do, I am bored, miserable and feel like crying at the drop of a hat. What is wrong with me??? Last night I actually felt like I missed the "Player"...not so much him the person; but the way that I felt about myself when he was around. I miss the passion, the fireworks, my heart pounding when he would call, breaking a sweat at the sight of him, and the butterflies in my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I don't want that relationship back because I also remember the lies, secrets, heartbreak and soul shattering that came with it. I guess with every pleasure there comes some pain.
I am also feeling 'iffy' about "J". He is a great guy with a wonderful heart and everything, absolutely everything about him is perfect. I enjoy being with him and just looking at him....he is that perfect to me. I really think that I could fall hard for him. The problem is that I don't get those same vibes FROM him. I sure don't want to fall for him if he is not falling for me. I don't want to have feelings that are not returned, you know that whole unrequited love thing. I haven't talked to him about what I'm feeling, actually we have not had a serious talk of any kind at all. We are both extremely gunshy and I do understand about going slow......but there is a difference between going slow and going nowhere. If this is going nowhere, then I want out, while my heart is still intact.
Maybe, I am being selfish, high maintence or both. I want to be put on a pedestal, adored, admired, respected, ooohed and aaahed over, loved witout end. I want the fairy tale, I want to be somebody's Princess, I want to go to the Ball and dance all night. Is that too much to ask for???? All I need now is the nerve to bring the subject up to "J". Maybe I will laugh and say, "Hey, Moron....do you love me yet??" That seems like a start. Kidding, of course.
Oh woe is me.
last - next