Avoidance
Friday, Jun. 04, 2004, 19:15
I don't know if you even read these entries anymore. You had asked me once why I write to you here. It was in part because I sometimes didn't think that you read this and also because some feelings of mine are better expressed here in my anonymous diary than to your face or on the instant messenger screen. I guess the thought process is that I would rather you read this and reject me silently to yourself rather than me telling you these things and being rejected in person. Does that make sense? I used to ask you that a lot, didn't I...does that make sense? The reason being that I have so many overwhelming emotions for you that I am never quite sure that I have expressed them adequately or if I had found the right words to convey the meaning of what is in my heart.
I love you, and right now I feel as though I will love you forever. I know it would be easier to forget you if I had someone else to focus my energy on, but I don't. That is because I don't want anyone else. No one else tickles my fancy like you do, no one else takes the time to get to know me like you have, no one else shares the same passions that you and I do.
You have been increasingly distant, even absent for a while now. I feel like you are avoiding me, hoping that I would go away. Is that it? Have I made a pest of myself, have I finally pushed you to the point of never wanting to see me again? Is our friendship over? It feels as if it may be, finally you have had enough of my blubbering and whining, had enough of my innuendos and flirting, had enough of me and all that I represent to you. Please correct me if I am wrong, if you read this please set me straight and tell me what you are thinking and what is in your heart. I don't want you to avoid hurting me or be afraid to tell me what you feel. Your silence hurts far more than any amount of "I am not in love with you"(s) that you could say to me.
If we are not friends anymore, you have to tell me so that I can let you go. The silence is killing me.
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