Closed for the Season.
Sunday, Oct. 16, 2005, 11:23
Its amazing to me how anyone ever finds happiness being involved with another person. We so many times say one thing, mean another entirely and then change our minds once everyone figures out what page we are on.
Its like trying to make sense of Shakespeare spoken in German during French class.
RC doesn't want a relationship, he never did and he told me so. That much is true, however he totally acted like he did, he was jealous when he thought I was on a date with someone else, he told me he loved me, he mentioned making "special" plans together, he wanted to spend days at a time with me etc and so on.
Once he realized what he was doing, he backed off exclaiming that he still wasn't ready for a relationship. The next time we were together,I treated it for what it was A BOOTY CALL.....got in the door, got off and got out....HE was a mess afterward. He was so concerned about what was wrong with me, why was I acting like that, I had never acted like that. I simply replied that I was giving him what he wanted and treating it for what it was a booty call. Well,he didn't like that answer or my change in attitude.
Bottom line is, he didn't want a relationship, realized that he in fact did want one,freaked out and backed off. I backed off, gave him what he wanted and he really freaked out and accused me of not being able to handle a "Friends with benefits" thing and essentially said that maybe we shouldn't see each other or talk to each other for that matter.
This is all very insane to me and I may thank my lucky stars one day that the circus is closed for the season. My head gets it but my heart is having a little trouble. I do love RC, he is a wonderful man with such a good heart. I truly believe that he loves me too, maybe more than he likes to. We had an amazing connection and let each other see parts of ourselves that we had kept hidden from anyone else. He is warm and caring and has so much to offer. He just ain't offering it. Deep down I think that he wants to give everything to someone but he is afraid to. One day he will make a wonderful mate for someone and I will be happy for him whether it is I that he chooses or not.
I am thankful for the time that we shared and I know that I have made a really good friend despite where this so called non-relationship goes.
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