Hmmmm????
Monday, May. 05, 2003, 17:32
I am a thinker, I analyze, I ponder, I philosophize (word??) I pick apart and dissect the things that people say and do. It a fault of mine but I can't seem to help it, I have been programmed this way. A torrid relationship can wear on one's sanity I assure you. I am not clinically insane, but I am deeply bothered by things that don't make sense, things that have no purpose or meaning......let me explain:
I am a very emotional person, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it is obvious to everyone just what I am thinking and feeling. Maybe I would be considered transparent, but I always thought that was a negative term. One thing that I cannot comprehend is how or why people play with emotions, use others hearts as playthings to carelessly throw away. It makes no sense, it boggles my mind and it drives me nuts. Why spend so much time and energy to convince someone that you love them when you don't? What is the point? What is the purpose of stringing them along, giving them hope only to crush their spirit time and time again?
"Because I can." That was the answer that I got once, when I asked that question.....but I was still puzzled. I for one don't have the energy to lie and cheat...to cover my tracks and keep up pretenses.
Reverse psychology is also something that pulls my chain.....in my last relationship, this guy would spout off things like "I don't deserve someone like you." or.."You really shouldn't love me like you do, I am not good enough for you." and I being 'Miss Fix It' would coddle him, tell him how wonderful he was, what a great man he was and that we were meant to be together and I would always love him. I tried to boost his ego thinking that he was just feeling alittle down......he was actually feeling guilty and was being honest with me. When I found out that he was married AND had a girlfriend, while we were seeing each other, I was devastated...crying for days..his explanation was......"I told you not to love me...I told you all along that I didn't deserve your love..hmmm, guess you should have believed me" WTF
THAT excuses it all??!!?? The fact that I didnt listen to him, or that I didn't read between the lines. Another example was when I questioned his fidelity...."I asked you if I was the only one that you were sleeping with and you said I was.."
"At the time you asked, you were the only one...I met her a few days later."
So now I ponder things too much..I am overly aware of things and look for hidden meanings so that I am not blindsided and caught off guard again. I often take things the wrong way, I usually apply a negative to it right away...." You look great today." What, so I usually look like shit...is that what you are saying??? Maybe with time I will find my optimistic self again and begin to see the glass as half full, instead of being so pissed that someone drank my juice. Now where in the hell are those rose colored glasses??
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