Flooding
Thursday, May. 08, 2003, 10:04
Isn't it amazing how just when you THINK you are over something...it can all come flooding back in an instant? Is this a female thing?? When will it end?
I must admit that I have become addicted to Diaryland, and have found inspiration as well as heartbreak in other's entries, such as is the case with these ramblings........
It is truly heartbreaking to know that another human is feeling the same despair and torment that you have felt.....and it also makes you feel that pain all over again. It took me by surprise today...I was happy as a lark...checking email...IMing with a few friends...telling them about the absolutely fabulous guy that I have been seeing for 8 weeks now (14 dates,so far and about a thousand luscious kisses) YUM!!!
And then...I see something that rips my heart out and sends me into a tailspin....a monsoon erupts and I can't control my tears...I thought I was over that piece of shit...but it appears that it will take a wee bit longer than 6 months to erase 7 years of dreaming and hoping and loving...waiting for him to tell me what I know he feels..he loves me, I can see it in his eyes everytime he looks at me like he adores me..like his heart is about to overflow with love. He made me feel beautiful and sexy..he looked at me like I was the most perfect woman in the world...and made me believe that I was.
Imagine my astonishment when I learned that he looked at others the same way...that they too felt as if they were the one and only true love of his life. He loved me,he said...after it all came to light......"Just not the way I should...not the way that you love me."
Great, just freaking great...what am I supposed to do now. "Get over it" was the advice.."Find another man" And so I have it seems, but I am too scared to get too close to him....too damn scared to let my guard down and let him into my heart....I work really hard not to get too excited about the sweet things that he says or does...not to get my hopes up or even think about the future. When will this end?? When will I be able to enjoy love again? Will that motherfu**ing,piece of shit liar rule my heart forever????
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