Chicken
Thursday, Jun. 26, 2003, 22:53
I am a big chicken. I don't like conflict, confrontation or to make mistakes. Therefore, I keep my mouth shut, avoid the issue and wallow in self pity. Why do I abuse myself this way? It is like my head tells me the right thing to do, but I secondguess myself and being terrified of making a grave mistake....I do nothing. I hope it will go away and cry when it gets worse. The really bad thing is that I am guilty of my number one pet peeve. I absolutely cannot stand it when someone whines endlessly about a situation and does nothing to change it. It is like "Shut up already, damn!!" Actually, I don't whine or vocalize my woes, I type them,worry about them, mull them over and over late at night when I can't sleep. I pout and have a miserable look on my face and TRY to convince myself and the world that nothing is wrong. And all it would take this time is to simply tell "J" that this thing we have is not working for me.....thats it...simple, right??
Not so fast........I really like him alot, he is a great guy and I am desperately afraid of losing the best thing that I ever had, or likely to have any time soon. I actually think that our relationship has tons of potential to be the greatest love story ever told...from my end of it anyway. The problem is that I don't think that he feels as strongly about all of this as I do. I don't 'feel' like he wants to see me or spend as much time with me as I do with him, I don't think that he misses me like I miss him or that he wants a relationship at all. Sure we talk everyday on the phone...two maybe three times, and he tells me he misses me, but he doesn't offer to see me or do anything with me. When I subtly suggest something, he doesn't get it. So either he is totally clueless, uninterested or both. EXAMPLE: I called him after I got off work and the convo went something like this................................... Me: What are you up to?......J: Iam getting in the shower and then I am going to workout......Me: OOOh so you are naked??.......J:Practically......ME: Can you stay naked for about 20 minutes until I get there??? (Keep in mind that I said that very sexily, with a huge smile, now what guy could resist, right??) J: Didn't you hear what I just said? I won't be here in 20 minutes, I am going to workout.......I was stunned. No wonder his girlfriends cheat on him. He acts like he could care less if I am on the planet. I just basically offered to go f*ck his brains out and he didn't get it. So, I told him I would let him go so that he could do his thing.
I KNOW that I have to talk to him. I have to tell him that I am not happy with the way things are going between us. I have to end this while we can still be friends, and before we begin to resent each other or hurt each other badly, before things get too deep. Now all I need is the nerve to do it.
~~~"Self-love my liege,is not so vile a sin as self neglecting."~~~ William Shakespeare
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