God's Will
Monday, Jan. 05, 2004, 09:17
It has been almost a week. I have been struggling with my feelings about what happened on New Years Eve for nearly a week and I am no closer to resolution, than I was at the time it was all taking place. I am mad, mad as hell and I am hurt. My head knows that things happen for a reason, things work out for the best, but the pit of my stomach is still in knots and my heart aches over the loss of a friend. "D" pointed out to me that he is nothing to cry over and that he is just a passing fancy, for both my friend and I. I know this to be true, I know that he is one of those "Meantime relationships", that I have learned everything that I can possibly learn from this experience and that it is time to move on and take it's lesson with me. (I highly recommend the book "In The Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant)
But I have a hard time focusing on the good aspect of this whole thing when I am constantly remembering the fun things that he and I did together, the way that he could cheer me up with his infectuous laughter, the way that he made me feel beautiful and sexy, and the way that we just meshed as friends and as lovers. I ache at the thought that he may be doing those things with her and for her now. He helped me a great deal through times of loneliness, and I should be happy that my friend may feel better about herself through knowing and being with him. But I definately am not to THAT point yet.
I was reading minstrelite's diary and I was deeply affected by what the Postal Clerk said to him, "The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you." I know that God's will has lead me down this path, not to be sad and miserable, but to lead me to a brighter future basking in God's grace. I know in my soul that things always work out for the best, and I was a fool to ever question that.
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