Unsent letter~ POY
Friday, Jan. 09, 2004, 16:16
Dear Dad,
You may not recognize me because I am 35 now. I have changed a lot since you last saw me at age 14 or so. But of course you did recognize me that day after an absence of ten years. You told me that you loved me and wanted me to visit you. I never did and I feel the need to explain why. I told my mom that I had seen you and that I want to stay with you for awhile, just to get reacquainted with you and to clear the air about some things. She was mad, bitter and mad. She told me point blank, "If I let you see your father, then I can make him pay all the back child support that he owes me. Ten years worth is a lot of money!" So I said Fuck it, not in so many words but that was the general idea. I had no need to take money from you or to make you pay for every wrong thing that you had done. I simply wanted to know my father, know where I had come from and maybe some explanation as to why I always felt so out of place and so unlovable. I had asked mom if I reminded her of you and if that was why she didn't like me very much. She told me no and that she liked me just fine. Gee thanks for the love and support. But that was her way and I was used to it. She is still very much like that today, cold and bitter like three day old coffee.
I have tried to find you but have not been very successful. I feel this urgent need to talk to you, to know for sure if things really happened the way that Mom told me. I need to know if it is true that you never loved me, that you left me and that all the chaos was my fault, as she said. As an adult I realized that she was indeed a bitter woman and that things may not have gone the way that she said. But as a child I believed her when she said that you never cared for me and that you left because of me, that you were an abusive drunk and a liar and a cheat. I don't remember those things because I was only 5 when you two were divorced. I do however remember clearly the day that I waited for you to come pick me up and you never showed. I waited all day on the front porch with my Barbies and my suitcase, waiting until darkness fell and Mom pulled me into the house to go to bed. I had been wearing an opal ring that you had given me and in my despair, I threw it into the yard and shouted that I hated you. Mom just said "See, I told you. He doesn't care about you at all." The next day I looked for the ring and was truly heartbroken for the first time when I could not find it.
That moment has been etched in my mind and I truly want to find you. I need to know exactly why you left us, why you never came back and why you have chosen to ignore me all these years. I know that you are still alive because a cousin of yours has been trying to find you for me. I hope that I find you soon. I need to for my own peace of mind.
Love,
Your daughter.
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