Torn
Tuesday, Jul. 05, 2005, 20:04
Having mixed emotions here.
A girlfriend and I went to hear David and his band play on Friday night. RC was out doing "guy things" with his friends,so it was the perfect opportunity for me to go hear David sing and not be made to feel guilty about it. David looked great, he sang great, he smelled great when he hugged me.
I discovered that although I care for RC, I really miss the possibility of "what if" with David. I catch myself thinking of him at inopportune moments, reading through emails that he has sent to me,pulling up his pictures on my computer or listening to the voice mail from him that I have saved on my cell. Good grief, I am pathetic!!
Its true that he is seeing someone else so I really don't have a shot with him right now anyway, but sometimes I think it would be better for me to be alone than to risk getting close to a man that I may or may not fall in love with.
RC and I truly care for each other and he has become a great friend to me and I catch myself sometimes wanting more than he is willing to give.
Sometimes I feel like I need to back off and get a grip.
But, lets face it who wants to be alone?
I am tired of being by myself but I think I will get just as tired of being with a man who wants nothing more than casual relationship with me.
I NEVER want to fall into the trap of pacifying myself to keep from being alone.
As I said.....having mixed emotions here!
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