Wigging Out
Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004, 10:21
The last time that I wigged out on you we agreed that we would let each other have our moments and think nothing of it. This time you were the one to go off on a tangent, pouring your heart out so quickly that I could barely keep up. At this time, this morning, it is not so much about your declaration of friendship as it is about my trying to make sense of the whole conversation.
We haven't talked in a few days so really I have no clue as to what transpired to create such a sudden blast of bluntness from you. You were determined to define our relationship and to make it absolutely, utterly clear that you treasure me as a friend, not as a love interest, not as a great romance of your life but as a friend. It really made me think that your relationship with her has moved on to the next level and that you had this gnawing need to put me squarely in my place. Put me in my place as your friend and nothing more so that you could move forward and leave me behind with a clear conscience. Your outburst seems to have been building for some time and while I do appreciate your honesty, I am still bewildered because I didn't think that I was doing anything to provoke such in your face reality as you dished out last night.
As you put it, I have intellectually accepted the fact that you are not in love with me and though the emotional realization is still a little slow to materialize, it is not eating at me like you may think it is. I do think about you a lot and I do wonder on some fanciful, dreamy notion that we could be together and have a wonderful future but I am also smart enough to know when it is a lost cause.
I have even learned to sweep your mixed messages under the rug and think nothing more of it than thats just the way that you are. I love you and accept you for you. I know that you have this habit of saying whatever pops into your mind first without pondering whether or not your heart will follow. I know that you want to see me, but that you are afraid to. I don't think that I could keep my hands off of you either. I understand not being able to double date as friends from my side of it. I don't think that I really want to see you with another woman, just yet. I know that you wish things were different and I know that you value the complete honesty that we share more than anything.
I am your friend,most everything is fine and what ever isn't will heal in time. You have to give me more credit, I am stronger that I look. Maybe we should also agree to never mix instant messaging with your drinking beer and my PMS. Guess we should have known that was a volatile mixture.
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